WCD Knuckle Balls: Melky Cabrera Needed A Proper Spin Doctor

(Pic Source: barstoolsports.com)

In the run-up to the Major League postseason and World Series, we’re introducing a new weekly post - WCD Knuckle Balls - to dissect the stories that dip and dart and wobble through the air…The choice for the first installment was obvious…

Melky Cabrera got caught on the juice and copped a 50 game suspension from Bud “Biceps” Selig.  As indicative as that is of Cabrera’s underhanded mindlessness, the cheating pales in comparison to the crisis response from the All-Star and his merry band of (ass)ociates.  The equation they formulated went something like this:

Fake sports cream + Fake website = Guaranteed innocence. 

Now, as evidenced by our Christmas parties, we at the WCD are not against trying to mitigate damage caused to one’s reputation through illegal and immoral activity.  We do, however, demand that spin doctoring be both creative AND foolproof.  Here’s a selection of what Melky’s minions ought to have conjured out of the PR poo:

1. An illegal porn website featuring R.A Dickey: A perfect deflection, from drugs to sex.  Dickey already has the made-to-order title.  And people would believe he did it for the money whilst playing in the Pacific Coast League.   

2. A name change to ‘Don Doroids’: Hey, it worked for Ron Artest.  He’s been perceived as a beacon of humanity since flipping his handle to Metta World Peace.

3. Release a memo stating a FedEx courier stabbed Cabrera with a syringe: Ryan Braun would swear on a stack of affidavits he saw it go down.

4. Declare Cabrera’s eligibility for the 2013 NFL Draft: Football offers many excellent sports creams and doesn’t mind if you rub to your muscular, oversized, seriously compromised heart’s content.